Showing up…authentically
Oh, today’s conversation was a juicy one. As we get ready each morning, my husband, Milt, and I often talk about work, the kids, what we’re going to make for dinner, politics, how we are feeling mentally and physically, among other things. Today’s conversation, however, sent me down a rabbit hole.
I brought up a very recent picture of an older friend of mine. I shared with Milt that she let her hair go gray over the last several years. It was refreshing, actually empowering, to see her like this. I’m at that age where I notice. My hair is slowly transitioning away from dark brown to gray. I often notice it when I’m on a conference call with a client or FaceTime with my kids.
Just recently, I jumped on FaceTime with my son Max. I took the call from my computer. The bigger computer screen made it easier to see myself. It was a chill Saturday, and I had my hair pulled back making the gray easily show. I was caught off guard when I saw myself. There was a flash of, “WOW! I love how you look. Your gray hair is beautiful. I’m so excited for you in this new phase of life.” A micro-second later, BAM! It hit me and new messaging slammed in, “Don’t get too comfortable. You’re old, unattractive, and you will eventually be invisible. Are you sure you’re ready to go completely gray? It’s dangerous.”
This mental muttering reminded me of a book I’ve been reading recently. It’s about women over the past several hundred years. I’ve never really called myself a feminist, but I certainly believe in my feminine power. It’s not negotiable with anyone. Despite my firm stance, it doesn’t mean that I don’t fall victim to misogyny or the patriarchy’s expectations of me. In many cases, there are subconscious and/or indoctrinated beliefs that I don’t even realize inform what I say or do.
Back to the morning conversation with Milt. He’s brushing his teeth and I’m continuing to talk about societal expectations surrounding gray hair. I mentioned how beautiful straight, gray hair is. He agreed and asked why curly, gray hair isn’t beautiful as well? Hmmm…he’s right.
After spending hours digging into feminine societal norms, I’ve learned so much. Here are a few interesting facts I picked up that may resonate with you or encourage you to inquire into subconscious or indoctrinated beliefs you may be walking the earth with:
Societal expectations around appearance and behavior have been used to suppress individuality and enforce conformity, often targeting traits associated with wildness or nonconformity.
Women with curly hair have historically been seen as untamed or rebellious.
Long hair has often been idealized as a symbol of femininity, purity, and virtue.
Women were historically pressured to maintain long hair, which reinforced traditional gender roles.
Cutting hair short as a woman was sometimes seen as an act of rebellion or a rejection of societal expectations, such as during the 1920s flapper era.
The rise of mass media in the 20th century heavily influenced beauty standards, with women encouraged to adhere to trends like chemically straightened hair, certain dye colors, or specific cuts to appear attractive and socially acceptable. This reinforced conformity and fueled industries profiting from insecurities about natural hair.
Many cultures and religions mandate hair coverings for women, associating uncovered hair with immodesty or impropriety.
Cutting a woman’s hair has historically been used as a punishment or form of control. For instance, during World War II, women accused of collaborating with occupying forces had their heads shaved publicly as a form of humiliation.
In modern times, societal norms have dictated what hairstyles are deemed "professional." This form of control has disproportionately impacted women of color, whose natural hairstyles—like afros, dreadlocks, or braids—have often been stigmatized or outright banned in workplaces and schools.
The more I learn, the more aware I become. I realize some people may choose to operate with the “ignorance is bliss” mindset. I totally get it. It takes a lot of energy to push back and there is a lot of perceived risk at stake when it comes to not following what society expects of you. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not healthy for me. Even if I choose to pretend it doesn’t affect me, IT DOES. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to fit in (1) being a woman AND (2) having curly hair. Now I’m challenging myself to question everything. I’m also asking my husband, children, friends and mentors to help me identify beliefs that I don’t even realize I have.
This process of becoming more aware can be incredibly freeing. And the biggest win is that when you stand firm in who you are, it empowers those around you to do the same. The more people that say NO to these ridiculous societal norms, the more we eliminate them and free ourselves to show up authentically.
So I ask you…Who is pushing you to tame your wild and gloriously beautiful self and why?